Stephanie Perkins Blog About Stephanie Books On Writing News Extras



11.04.2013

WHERE I’M AT IN MY HEAD

Figure seen recently in Laclede's Landing Wax Museum. Also, a helpful representation of my current brainstate.

Before I get into this, a quick plug for everyone in Atlanta:

Gayle Forman and I will be at Little Shop of Stories in Decatur this Thursday, November 7th at 7:00 p.m. We’ll be discussing “What Is Love, Anyway? Teens, Romance, and Transformation.” A book signing will follow. You should come! It’ll be a great one. Gayle and I always get a little bit silly when we’re together.

After that, we’re hopping in my car and driving to YALLFest in Charleston. So if any of you are still holding out on whether or not you should make that drive yourself, STOP HOLDING OUT. Make the drive! It’s one of the best book festivals of the year.

Okay.

Today I’m trying something different here. First, I’m going to freewrite about the current state of my head. Then I’ll work for as long as I can take it. Hopefully, at least six hours. And then I’ll return here to freewrite again about today’s work experience.

The reason I’m doing this is because my head isn’t the nicest place to be right now, and I’d like to prove it wrong about a few things that it won’t shut up about.

I’m currently revising Isla and the Happily Ever After. I finally managed to turn in a full manuscript (this book’s first full manuscript) at the beginning of September, and I received some notes about it from my editor while I was on my road trip. Last Monday was the date that I was supposed to begin the revision.

Instead, this is what happened:

I woke up. And my brain started talking.

Hey. So you think you’re gonna work today, huh? You ACTUALLY think you’re going to work? Don’t you know this history of you and working? Of you starting ANYTHING on time? You’re a failure. You’re no good at this. You’ve never been good at this. Think about all those deadlines you’ve missed. All those people you’ve disappointed. You’re going to do it again, I know it, because that’s what you do.

You disappoint people.

You’re going to disappoint them with this book. It’s not great. It’s okay, yeah, but it’s not great, is it? It’s not better than your previous books. You have to be better, and you’re not. If anything, you’re worse. You’re tired. Your books have no life, because you have no life, and you’ll never have a life, because you’re always exhausted, and you hate leaving the house, and you hate replying to messages, and you want to be left alone, and you ARE alone. Look at you being alone, you sad stupid person.

HEY! I’m talking to you! We have work to do! We have to un-shit your book! We have a DISGUSTINGLY large amount of work to do, because you suck, so why are you scrolling through Twitter on your phone in bed at one in the afternoon? HELLO. CAN YOU HEAR ME? STOP IT. STOP WASTING YOUR TIME. This is SO like you to be doing this right now. You have a lot of work and not a lot of time.

Time is running out. Time is running out. Time is running out.

I’m just gonna play that on repeat, in the back of your head, for the rest of the day. No. For the rest of the year. You deserve to feel that relentless tick of doom weighing down on your stupid frail shoulders for the rest of your life, because you are such a sad pathetic self-absorbed individual who can’t get anything right.

And I do mean “individual,” because look at you. Look how alone you are.

You know that you’re ALREADY disappointing people by not working right now, right? I don’t care that you just woke up or that today is only Monday. You should’ve been awake hours ago, but you weren’t, and now your whole day is ruined. Which means your whole week will be a failure, too, because if one thing goes wrong, it all goes wrong, because THAT’S HOW YOU ROLL.

Man! I just can’t get over how much you’re going to disappoint everyone! Because I know you'll miss your deadline, because missing deadlines is what you do best now. Remember when you used to turn things in on time? Remember when you were better? You aren’t good like that anymore. You aren’t good at all. You didn’t even remember that there was a new episode of The Walking Dead on at 9:00 last night, so you had to watch the repeat at 11:00, because you are such a stupid self-absorbed fuck. You can’t even be trusted with a television or a clock or anything and I hate you, ohmygod, I hate you GO AWAY.

I suppose it took approximately one minute for all of that to go through my head. And it’s been going strong ever since.

Listen.

I know (most of it) isn’t true. I know I’m being cruel (no one will ever be harder on me than me), and I also know that I’m getting in my own way.

Self-fulfilling prophecies and all that.

But it’s also really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really difficult to stop this voice once it’s started.

I have always been my own worst enemy. I’d love to be my own biggest fan. That seems like an amazing place to live! People who have that type of headspace, that level of confidence . . . man. I’m in awe of those people.

So why am I telling you all of this?

I don’t know why.

Except . . . it feels like the right thing to do. Ever since I opened up about my depression last May, the level support and understanding and reaching-out has been incredible. Beyond anything I could have imagined or hoped for. And it's further cemented this idea in my mind that we should be talking about this thing, this self-head curse, with more frequency and more honesty.

Because I am so grateful to everyone who has reached out to me—both online and in person. I'm glad we've been having these conversations.

I can’t even properly express the depth of this gratitude, so I’m grateful (again—grateful, gratitude) to know that so many of you already understand its depth. Because so many of you seemed equally grateful to hear me speak up about it. And I also know that every time someone I admire—Allie Brosh, Marc Maron, any of Marc’s guests, Stephen Fry—speaks about their own struggles with the demons of self-loathing and depression, it's like I can suddenly breathe again.

There. Tears of laughter and recognition.

Because despite what my brain—my frightening, exhausting, bully of a brain—would like me to believe, I am not alone.

You are not alone.

We are not alone.

So . . . this post got weird and motivational-speaky. I didn’t mean for that to happen. I hope none of that sounded false, because it came from a real place. Honestly, I came here to give you an update. I was going to tell you about my mean brain, get to work, and then come back with proof (look at all of the work I did!) about how dumb my bully brain is.

I also wanted to say that even though my brain bullied me for the entirety of last week (SERIOUSLY IT WAS NONSTOP), I still managed to get out of bed (some of those days) and get some work done. I’m proud of that. And I’m hopeful for this week.

There doesn’t seem to be a casual way of ending this, so I’ll just say . . . see you later. I hope your day is going well. And if your brain is being an asshole, tell it it’s being an asshole.

And then get back to work.

76 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry your brain is an asshole! <3 I wish I could say or do something to help, but I know that isn't really how it all works. I do remember that in Raleigh, Maureen said if you think you suck, you're probably doing it right.

    My husband is deployed right now, so I'll be dragging my 7 year old to Yallfest with me. She's adorable and kind and flattering, and gives good hugs. Just in case. :)

    <3

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    1. Thank you for your kindness. I'd love a hug this weekend! See you soon. :-)

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  2. I always feel horrible because on twitter/here I'm like OH HOW I GET THIS. But really, part of me feels like you reached into my brain and freed up some space by writing this. Because someone "gets it." Recently I told my friend my brain was overthinking so I was in a funk and she was like "you shouldn't let it do that." Oh how I wish my brain worked that way, to not do it. Although I'm not an author, I am a newly minted librarian and my brain is doing a lot of the "HAHA you paid all that money and you'll never actually get a job. SUCKER" and it's hard. It's so hard. So I thank you Stephanie, for reminding me I'm not alone.

    Also, can't wait to see you at YA'LL Fest! So excited!

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    1. I'm so sorry that you're going through a rough time. The "you shouldn't let it do that" advice is hard, because, yeah. It just doesn't work like that for some of us. Congratulations on being a newly minted librarian! That's a HUGE accomplishment, and you absolutely *will* get a job. See you soon! :-)

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  3. I wish I didn't live here so I could go to YALLfest! Stupid Arizona. On another note, your brain and my brain seem to be friends or something, because mine has been telling me the same thing repeatedly. Not about being an author, but every single part is what has been going on in my head: loneliness, uselessness, disappointment, all that. I agree, it's really hard to stop those thoughts once they get on a roll like that. I've been trying different things, getting back to the core of me, hoping that it will shut my own bully brain up. I think it's working, too. I've also told my brain to shove it. I'll be happy again and it can't stop me (I hope). Thank you so much for putting into words what I couldn't. I hope your brain becomes nicer very soon. Also, know that we all love you and root for you. You do amazing things! :)

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    1. I'm sorry that you have these mean thoughts about yourself, too. They aren't true. Maybe our brains can hang out for a few hours, beat each other up, and then get so tired that they let us rest? ;-) Good luck.

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  4. This entry legit made me cry. :( I feel like... I love your books and your writing so much, but I worry my (and other fans') love is putting this pressure on you to be even more amazing, which in turn might feed your depression and I hope I'm not inadvertently helping you to go on these spirals of self-doubt.

    I also cried because I know these feels. I know them and I feel them and it's 3:33pm and I haven't gotten out of bed except to use the bathroom and all I've eaten today were two little Halloween sized Nestle Crunch bars... and I look at your books and go "I want to write something as amazing as Anna and the French Kiss but who knows if I ever will?"

    You are brave and beautiful and amazing, and your work is beautiful and amazing. I wish you could see what the rest of us sees, with your talent, and your smile, and your spirit. Depression is real and it hurts (I've been on meds for it for more than 9 years now), but your true fans love you and will wait for you to take as long as you need for...whatever. <3

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    1. Oh, no! No. This is all on me. I'd be doing this with or without you guys (as I always have). I'm lucky to have such supportive and caring readers. I'm sorry that you've been going through something so similar. Keep getting out of bed. Throw in a shower and a decent meal, whenever you can. You are brave and amazing, too, and you have important things to contribute to our world. xo

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    2. You made me cry again. :) Happy tears. *hugs*

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  5. Stephanie Perkins you are my hero.

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  6. Thank you for sharing, Steph! You are brave and awesome and great, every day. Really. Best wishes and good luck!

    *leaves Trader Joe's baking mixes, campy horror movies, and Thom Yorke action figures on your stoop*

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    1. I have to say that this was the most mind-bending (oh my goodness, this stranger *knows* me) and delightful comment that I've received. Thank you for the PERFECT gifts. *hugs Thom Yorke action figure*

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  7. Love and hugs and good sparkly thoughts to you, beautiful lady. Keep going.

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  8. This is how I've been feeling for the past few months, too. I have always had a low level of self loathing, but not enough to really make much of an impact. The past few months have been crippling in comparison.
    Sometimes I think that I forget to congratulate myself on going to work when all I want to do is lay in bed and hate myself. I need to do that more. Maybe it would make my brain less mean.

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    1. I'm sorry that you have these struggles, too. Getting out of bed is the hardest thing that I do every day. Yes, a sincere congratulations whenever you accomplish it is crucial! It's important to take note of these small, happy steps, because they're the ones that lead to bigger things. xo

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  9. Thanks for writing this. I've been there.
    Hugs x10000.

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  10. Such a familiar mental monologue that it's difficult to read without tearing up. Lots of love and support coming from two states over. <3

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    1. Thank you. I'm so sorry that your brain has been cruel to you, too. Hugs and good luck.

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  11. I'm so sorry, I understand, and I think you're very, very brave. xo

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    1. Thank you for understanding. I'm so sorry if you've been through similar things. Best wishes. <3

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  12. Anonymous6:27 PM GMT-5

    Depression sucks. I'm sorry you're not in the best state of mind currently, but I'm praying for you. I know you will get back to yourself one day because you're amazing and unbelievably talented. I think the best advice I can give is to just write what feels right to you. Regardless of the voice in your head, writing what you think is right is right because Isla's story is your story. I hope what I just wrote makes sense. Best wishes and thank you for being so personable in your journal entries these past few months. It's uplifting to know that my hero deals with hardships as well. It makes me feel less alone in the world and work harder toward my dreams.

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    1. Thank you for your kindness. I hope you're doing okay, too. <3

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  13. Thank you for sharing hope even when you feel down.

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    1. Oh, Connie. Your friendship means so much to me. I'm so glad that we met! Thank you, always, for your support and love.

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  14. So I just sat here and cried after reading this. I'm here as well, and I wish I could give you the courage you've just given me. Know that you have all my best wishes, as well as my faith in you and your story.

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  15. Oh, Steph. Your honesty is such a breath of fresh air. Always is. Come and stay with me in Canada for a while. Canada is a friendly place. I will call and warn the border guards to keep your asshole brain the hell out.

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    1. That sounds like a dream! You're always so kind, Denise. I appreciate and admire that. Thank you. <3

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  16. Thank you for telling your truth. And for recognizing how many brains are out there being total assholes right now (mine included). I thought when I got an agent...when I got a book deal...those moments would stop. But they didn't. It threw me for a tailspin. Now I am realizing there is always another "when I" and always another self judgement marker to hit (or miss). So cheers to being human. And being loved for your humanness.

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    1. Shannon Hale addressed this SO WELL, just today! Did you see? http://oinks.squeetus.com/2013/11/how-has-having-a-movie-changed-my-life.html Good luck. Hang in there.

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  17. Thank you so much for this post and speaking your truth, it helps me feel less alone. I just want to reach through the computer and hug you.

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    1. Thank you. I'd love that. I hope you're doing okay. *HUG*

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  18. Anonymous8:29 PM GMT-5

    I have days like this, too. Thanks for being open about all this. Know that so many people are sending their love and support your way.

    Diana

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    1. Thank you for always being so supportive and kind, Diana. <3

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  19. Thank you for sharing this today, Stephanie. I'm starting a first draft for the first time in a year and a half, and that means my brain is convinced that I've lost my ability to write, so why should I even try? Meanwhile, the MS I'm querying is getting rejected, and if people don't want a book about a guitarist who has her leg amputated, why are they going to want one about a runaway working in a diner in 1996. Added to that, I'm only able to work an hour a day, because I recently had a spinal fusion and am not supposed to sit up for longer periods, so why bother writing? I'm a failure at it, and in general because I lost my job thanks to said surgery (definitely more my employers failing me than me failing, but the word "fail" is still in there)

    Anyway, it's just good to know I'm not alone in the battle against the angry, negative inner-monologue. I want to add my voice to the ones who believe that A. yours is wrong when it says you are a disappointment and B. You are amazing for being so willing to share. I know it only helps so much to hear it from other people, but I've remembered you a lot in the past few months when my depression has turned to writing-related things. It's given me something to hold onto, knowing that I'm not alone in it all.

    I wish I could see you at Little Shop. I used to live in Atlanta, and the Boston winters make me miss it hardcore.

    xoxo Chelsey (from LeakyCon Portland :) )

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    1. Chelsey! It's nice to see you here! I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a difficult time, too. I am crazy-proud of you for working an hour a day. Work is work. You're doing it. Thank you for your kind words. Keep going. You are stronger than your inner monologue. xo

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  20. You aren't alone. Never. I cannot explain how many times I've thought I was and how many times I've been proven completely wrong. I can promise you, more people than you can name or think of, care about you. They want you to be okay, to feel better, which is great. But sometimes you just need to feel messed up and slog through it. Remember it gets better. I know it doesn't feel like it. I know holding on to that thought is the hardest thing possible now. But it does. It always does. I was diagnosed last year. I wish I had the courage to speak up, like you have. It's hard to gather the courage. Then it's hard for people to understand depression. And sharing doesn't magically fix it all, but it helps. Sometimes it's easier to give up. To not care. To just wallow. And I'm proud and thankful you aren't. You're trying. You're fighting back, baby steps, but still fighting. Thank you. This helps me. It give me a little bit more courage. Talk to your doctor, speak to the people who love you, don't be silent. It will get better.

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    1. Thank you for your kindness and concern. <3

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  21. Listen, you're awesome. And your books are awesome. And your fans love you, no matter how long it takes you to write the new book, which is also going to be awesome. Sometimes brains are assholes, and you just roll with it and hope it gets better in an hour or a day or a month or whenever. When my brain is an asshole and I hate everything, I reread Anna, because it makes me happy again. And I'm 32 years old. I'm rereading it now. Just started chapter 11.

    I'll tell you what I tell my students lately when they're down...forget your hatters because somebody loves ya. Yeah, I stole that from Miley Cyrus, but it works. (Yes, my 18 year old seniors think I'm a total nerd.)

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    1. NICE. I'm gonna steal that one from Miley, too. Thank you!

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  22. I am so sorry Steph, that your brain is doing this to you! I have same problems sometimes - especially in last few weeks and it's horrible. But I have found new perspective, new motivation because of my work which I have done yesterday. I send my application form to movie college in Prague (I am from Slovakia :)). And I did what you did - I told my brain that he is a jerk. He is still whispering something but I can't hear him. I am 18, I have my whole life in front of me and I just can't let my stupid bran destroy everything in what i believe. You're amazing person, Steph. I am saying it every single day. To my friend. I have convinced them to read your books and they are dedicated! You are giving people happiness and you can't forget on that. Because you helped me so many times and just with your books full of optimism. I keep my fingers crossed for you, because you're awesome and nobody - not even you brain - can take that from you, because it's in your pure soul :) Good luck, Steph! :)

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    1. Thank you so much for all of your kind words. I'm so proud of your for putting in your application! Movie college!!! How wonderful! Good luck and best wishes. <3

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  23. *Hugs* You are such an inspiration to me and I know exactly where you are coming from with all of this brain nonsense. My brain is quite the jerk too, always making me feel quite defeated and quite scared to try anything at all. Reading your books has helped me a lot with feeling like I couldn't write. Your words are so natural and always soooo good. They inspire me to write and feel and hope. I cannot wait for your next book. I know it will be amazing, even if your brain thinks otherwise. You are awesome. Keep going, lovely.

    Em
    Tightrope to the Sun

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    1. Thank you, Em. I'm so sorry that your brain is mean to you, too. I'm glad you're fighting it! Keep writing. I can't wait to read YOUR book someday. :-)

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  24. Your brain loves to lie to you. Don't listen to it. You know you've written well and not disappointed your readers.

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    1. You are very kind. Thank you. <3

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  25. Thank you for being real and honest and for opening up Steph. You have helped so many know they are not alone and you are not alone either. We will always support you. Tell your brain to stop - you will never disappoint! <3

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    1. Thank you, Kirstin. I appreciate you saying this. <3

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  26. It never ceases to amaze me when talented people have those kind of thoughts. You have a lot of fans out there who love your work and have desperately tried to get it in the UK (AND NOW IT IS COMING!!!). Books take time, we know this... and we're human and we have lives that get in the way of deadlines and such.

    I'm sorry to hear that you're brain is beating you up at the moment, I struggle with this kind of thing, too. One book that is really helping me is THE SECRET by Rhonda Byrne. I'll leave that one with you x

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    1. Thank you, Lynsey, for your kind words and for always being so supportive for me in the UK. It's thrilling that it's finally happening. Thank you for continuing to spread the word. It means a lot to authors. (It means EVERYTHING to authors.) <3

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  27. I try an trick my mind all the time with neurolinguistics. Sometimes it works. Then I remember my heart--and try to follow it. Thank you for this honest and heartfelt post. :)

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    1. Thank you for reminding me to listen to my heart. Great advice. <3

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  28. Oh, Stephanie. Hugs. Been there, and I know that there aren't always words to bring one out of the funk. But tincture of time works well...

    Know that you are loved, and that - more importantly - your books are part of the solution. I don't think I've read a happier book in the past two years than ANNA AND THE FRENCH KISS.

    I just want to burst into that song from "Into the Woods" - [You are not alone... no-one is alone...]

    Ilene

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    1. Thank you for all of these kind words, Ilene. The "tincture of time works well" . . . I'm sort of convinced that time is the only thing that *really* heals. A lot of things help. (Big help.) But time. Time and patience. Yes.

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  29. "And if your brain is being an asshole, tell it it’s being an asshole." Just. Wow. I need to get that tattooed somewhere. A permanent reminder like, "Dear Brain: STOP BEING AN ASSHOLE." Or maybe just on a tee-shirt. :) I hope your brain backs off, and I hope you continue to tell it to stop being an asshole.

    Like you, I'm my own worst enemy, and it can be hard to make the negative self-talk stop. I don't have anything super-helpful to say, but I will say this: I am one of those people who feels grateful and appreciative of you - of your books, YES (!!!), but also of your honesty. Thank you, Stephanie. And I hope today is awesome. :)

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    1. Thank you, Bridgid! I'm sorry you have an asshole brain, too. I could use the tattoo, as well. ;-) Good luck and best wishes with everything.

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  30. Dear Ms. Perkins,

    You know what, screw formalities.

    Stephanie!! *hugs enthusiastically*

    I love your books. I think you need to know that. I really love your books-- and I suppose I love you too (because, let's face it, you're great no matter how much you think you've messed up). And there are thousands of people who would tell you the exact same thing in a heart beat.

    I've never had depression, but I can tell you right now that I have never met any one as strong as you. Depression is hard to work through, even I can see that, but so is writing a book (something I'm trying to do write now). And, oh, look! You've already written two fantastic books that are International Bestsellers! Take that asshole brain!

    You are a fantastic writer—I love every word of everything you’ve written (I practically have Anna memorized) and it's easy to see how you pour your heart and soul into everything you do.

    You are a fantastic person—you never fail to make me laugh, and I love to hear about your wonderful adventures with other authors. But most of all, you care about your readers—how many authors would even think to post this? How many would be willing to put themselves out into the world like you’ve done? Not many, I’ll bet.

    You are a fantastic role model—and I can see you rolling your eyes now. I’m serious. I’ve never met anyone, like I said earlier, as strong as you. You’re not going to give up, don’t you dare let your brain or depression trick you into thinking anything otherwise. You’re just not that kind of person, Stephanie. I don’t even know you personally and I can tell you’re not the kind of person to go down without a fight.

    I don’t know how much this helped, and I don’t know if I even said any of the right things. But I just wanted to tell you that, even if your brain says your fans are disappointed in you, I’m not. And I really doubt any of the other people here are.

    Much love,

    Anabel

    P.S. Sorry it got all long-winded and sappy!

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  31. Stephanie!

    First, I think you're really brave for being so open about what's happening in your brain.

    Second, I have to tell you something creepy. A few nights ago, you were in my dream. (Hold up, backstory... I'm a YA writer and spend a lot of time thinking about my YA role models, okay? Okay.) In this dream, you gave me a hand massage. Told ya it was creepy.

    But at the time I thought it was like Dream-Stephanie telling Dream-Me that I can DO this! And now I want to take this opportunity to tell Real-Stephanie that you, too, can do this. Despite what your asshole brain might sometimes tell you, you are a huge role model to other writers and to all of your readers. You bring joy to people's lives by putting a ton of hard work and effort into what you do, and we appreciate it.

    Thanks, Real-Steph! (And Dream-Steph)...Okay I'm done being creepy now.

    <3 from someone you have not disappointed in the least

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  32. Stephanie- One of the best pieces of advice I ever got about that never ending tape going on in my head was just to tell it to shut up. Just tell it to shut up. I hope it will help you at some point. Depression is a soul sucking, life stealing bastard, but it WILL get better. Just believe that. And don't beat yourself up. If ever you should be kind to yourself, it's now.

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  33. Depression is such an ironic bitch--esp. in the writer. When we're not pubbed, we're convinced our writing is absolute shit. Then once we are, we're convinced our next book will never live up to the first. You're brave to speak of your depression. I haven't been able to, the shame is too great, so I blog instead with humor to mask the pain. You're not alone though. You're married, yes? I'm a single mom to one boy. I won't let any man close enough to reveal the demons. But I have a lot of cats :)

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  34. I honestly think you have one of the best voices in ya today. I'm sure Isla will not disappoint. I hate when brains have to be such assholes. Mine's being like that too. I hate how stupid my brain makes me feel but I think that if you can come out and say how much your brain is being a jerk, I can realize that I'm not alone and that it can be okay, eventually. So, thank you for this post, because it made me feel a little better about my asshole brain. I hope you feel better soon, too.

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  35. Hi Stephanie.
    Even if your brain is being a bully we love you and ALL of your books :) Also, I just wanted to say that Anna is the reason I started reading again (and started loving it) it has been my favourite book for over a year now and you are my favourite Author.

    Keep making your self proud!
    Thanks Steph :)

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  36. I get this. SO MUCH. I had an episode a few weeks ago and I felt the same way, and I was in that same headspace, and I said the same things to myself, and I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND. Thank you for putting this into words for us, and thank you for bringing this to light. And thank you for continuing to try to write and bring us wonderful characters and beautiful words. I'm very excited for Isla and I have absolute faith that you will not disappoint. It will be beautiful, because you're beautiful, Stephanie, no matter what your brain is telling you. Keep telling yourself that you're beautiful and you can do anything. We believe it out here. =)

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  37. Hi Stephanie- I met you at RT Booklover's in Kansas City this past May. I wrote a YA novel about a girl who develops anorexia. It's pretty much all about the voices in her head. It was the book I needed to write because I know those voices really, really well. Especially this one: We have to un-shit your book!

    Your books are not shitty, but that doesn't even matter, does it? What matters is clearing those stupid voices out so you can think straight to channel them into work. I think a lot of us write YA because we need to funnel those voices into something more beautiful or at the very least, more helpful, than what they were/are to us.

    I'm coming to the end of a second revision of my next novel and know it needs to go back to beta readers after this and I'm finding myself stuck because I don't know how to unshit it any more before asking people who might hate it to read it. It's so humbling to give something not done to beta readers and asking for their help. I hate it. But I can't find my problems on my own. I think it's a pretty good metaphor for the rest of my life. I hate showing something that's not good to the people I love. But I can't be good, let alone great, all the time, or even most of the time. That really bugs me.

    So, I guess, I'll write about it. And so will you. And your books will continue to be wonderful, and helpful and beautiful. Thanks for sharing your headspace.

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  38. I want to be you when I grow up. Also, I'd like to give you hugs, but since we're online, virtual hugs will have to do. *hugs*

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  39. Anonymous1:18 AM GMT-5

    Reading this was a bit like having my chest stomped on, in the sense that those are pretty much the same thoughts that run through my head everyday. I've had a hard time accepting that I have depression, and that these thoughts aren't just normal and something I should be able to deal with on my own, so thank you for writing this. It helped a lot.

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  40. Anonymous1:15 PM GMT-5

    Hi Stephanie,
    This post was absolutely wonderful. Thank you for showing your heart to all of us even though you didn't need to. You are self-aware, wise, and gentle, and even though it might not (doesn't) feel like it sometimes, I think you have more control over your depression than you know. (Not in the, "Why can't you just get over it?" way but in the "Small steps towards healing" way.) Example: it takes major bravery to open us like this, to look your problems in the face, to just articulate how you're feeling with such clarity - and that is a kickass bridle thrown over the wild horse that is your depression. (Uh, okay, the horse metaphor is a little weird. But oh well)

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  41. This is a great post! My brain does this too. I feel like I constantly try to talk myself out of the things that are good for me. Lately I haven't been listening to my brain though and just observing. I am sick of being stuck and I want to be happy in life, so I realized I need to stop self sabotaging. It's so easy to talk yourself out of something. I think it has to do with fear of the unknown and change. Anyway, thanks for sharing. Loved this!

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  42. My brain is also an asshole. A logical asshole. Maybe like a sleazy lawyer in an expensive suit. My brain certainly tries to convince me that since I'm in control of my life, I'm to blame for anything and everything that goes wrong. This includes shitty drafts, blanking on revisions, bad reviews, and horrible sales numbers. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I'm not in control, not even mostly, which is also scary. Anyway, thank you for having the guts to write this! And hugs.

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  43. Great Post About Perkins Parts.Thanks for the post Wow...

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  45. Hi Stephanie,
    I never post on blogs, but after reading your post I just wanted to let you know how much I love your work! Both Anna and Lola are two favorites and its because ou have created such a well written story and great characters. You are a rock star. Thank you for such great books.

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  46. I expressed similar feelings to a friend of mine recently and she said I had to read this post. I can't tell you how brave you are to speak about this publicly. We shouldn't be ashamed of our depression or disorders or whatever that suffers you because it's not like we woke up one morning and said, "Hey, I'd like to be depressed, for like a good year at least." WIth that said, I still don't speak publicly about my issues for a several reasons. But I know that voice you speak of, it has been a part of me for so long, I didn't even realize it was there until a few years ago when my therapist pointed it out. And the beautiful part, she taught me how to recognize it, acknowledge it and fight it. It's still there from time to time but it's a heck of a lot weaker than it used to be and hopefully it will go away completely. I hope you get to that place in your life that you find a way to put the voice in it's place. Because you're an amazing person and deserve the peace.

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