Analog and the French Kiss — Excerpt!

Ha ha ha! Today I was inspired by agency sis Carrie Harris. She recently posted an excerpt of her zombie novel Bad Taste in Boys (coming in 2011!), but before posting it, she ran it through Babel Fish several times. The result? Meat-attachment awesomeness.

Babel Fish is a free language translation software. It's also the reason why REAL translators will never lose their jobs.

So . . . at long, long last . . . I'm sharing my first excerpt of Anna and the French Kiss! Here's a selection from page forty-two, simply because forty-two is my favorite number.* You're lucky it happened to be a KISSING PAGE. I translated it twice—once into Japanese and then back into English.


And next and finally, meant that he lets escape me. And next and finally, the he is kissed to me under the entryway visor which groans. And next I away.

"Analog? It is all right?" someone asks.

All table has scrutinized me.

Do the scream of t. Do the scream of t. Do the scream of t.

"Um. The place where there is a bathroom?" The bathroom is explanation of my taste for all states. If you express that no one furthermore asks.

"As for washroom hall." It is under. St. Clair does which it is worried. You see, you ask the challenge of t. He which perhaps is feared. As for the story concerning the sucking/absorbing prisoner characteristic of the tampon or the P word which is feared is expressed.

And now you know ALL OF MY SECRETS. Hee hee.

Back to work for me! Last night I cut 19,000 words from Lola and the Boy Next Door. Now I have to put 19,000 new words in their place. In, like, a week.


*For the record—because I like saying "for the record"—42 is NOT my favorite number because of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy nor because of Coldplay. These are just happy coincidences.***

**No, really, it is.

***The rules of my blog state that since I mentioned Coldplay, now I'm allowed to post a picture of Chris Martin. I love the rules! Here's a tiny picture since we're in the tiny footnotes. I'm picking one where he looks disturbed, because he just learned that I have to replace 19,000 words in one week (while simultaneously proofreading Anna). But don't worry. Right after he makes this face, he gets this really happy expression when he realizes he can go make a sandwich for me, which will help keep up my energy. Chris knows that I like sandwiches. They taste good.


  1. Hilarious. So if I take this and translate it back into Japanese, and then back to English again, will it come out properly?


  2. Oh this is brilliant!!! can I steal your idea for my novel???

  3. Daisy — Yes, PLEASE. I'd love to see The Mockingbirds in Babelfish! I couldn't resist stealing the idea from Carrie. Too funny!

  4. Wow. That made complete sense...

  5. Oh gosh, this is hilarious. I can't decide which part is my favorite. I'm currently leaning towards "the sucking/absorbing prisoner characteristic of the tampon." Thanks for the giggles!

  6. Prisoner characteristic of the tampon, indeed. You do know I will now be calling your book "Analog and the French Kiss," don't you? :)

    Too funny! So glad you did this. Daisy should too!!!

  7. "All table has scrutinized me" is literary genius. How do you do it? BRILLIANT.

  8. Aww durn. I wanted to see an excerpt!

  9. Haha! "Do the scream of t. Do the scream of t." Too funny. Thanks for sharing, although like Katie, I would've loved to see an excerpt :)

    Congratulations on all your happy news, and thanks for your consistently entertaining blog posts! I didn't have a lot of time to comment the last couple months, but I did read. And I'm still laughing about "All table has scrutinized me."

  10. Bwuahahaha! It took me a while to make sense of all that but I finally did and I literally LOLed for a REALLY long time! Hilarious. XD Super thanks for sharing.



  11. Now I have to find that passage in Anna (when I get my hands on a copy) to compare - too funny.

    I can't believe you cut 19K words. Wow. Good luck replacing them with beautiful ones!

  12. Thanks for sharing, Stephanie!
    I'm so excited till Anna and the French Kiss comes out for real!
    While reading the min excerpt, I had a total blonde moment, but I eventually got it. :)
    Love, Hannah

    P.s. Not that I'm blonde...

  13. This is way too much fun! I stole your stolen idea and did a FREEFALL excerpt! :-D


  14. I'm always guaranteed a laugh when I read your blog. See, you don't post every day, but when you do post you are consistently entertaining. If I gave awards, which I don't, and you accepted them, which you might not, I'd award you...something good.

  15. Bahh hahahaha. Nice one, Stephanie! Once I am happy with my own story I should take the time to translate it. haha. :)

  16. Oh you're sneaky! I'd love to see the Japanese translation (before this *wonderful* English translation) because maybe I would actually understand it! :) All I can say is, it reads mighty dirty right now - haha!

  17. Oh, Stephanie, 19K?!

    I don't even want to think about that, but I bid you good luck, and please sleep! :)

    Also, lo-ove the excerpt.

  18. Gold! I sense a bout of procrastination approaching...

  19. That is awesome! Wow -- yeah. Thank goodness for human translators! Thanks for the laugh!

  20. Gotta love translators! Seriously, they make everything so much more funny. :)
    And 19,000 words is a ton - best of luck!!

  21. I was really looking forward to reading some of the book there and then found this...it did make me laugh though ;)

  22. omg that was the best excerpt evah!
    I especially liked the use of repetition as a literary device - particularly:

    "Do the scream of t. Do the scream of t. Do the scream of t."

    Such poetic prose!

    ...now i have to go do this myself

  23. Greatest thing I've ever read.

  24. That's hilarious! I don't think I managed to understand more than a couple of lines!

    Love the 'Analog'!

  25. Care to share your strategies for producing 19,000 more words in a about a week? I'd love to know your methods...

  26. 1. Analog
    2. Coldplay
    3. Sandwiches

    Needless to say, I have thoroughly enjoyed this blog post.

    That is all. :-)

  27. Ah yes, groaning visors...I'm including groaning visors in my next book, I hope you don't mind....nothing says romance like a groaning visor.

    And next I away!


    (19,000 is less than 20,000....)

  28. It would suck to have a table scrutinize you. I mean, that's just intense. :) Good luck revising! I recommend purchasing a bell, as to better alert Chris when it's sandwich time.

  29. Stephanie, you are so funny! I love the "excerpt"! :) And I hope you're enjoying the sandwich Chris made you. ;)

  30. are you by chance having a contest to be on your ARc list! I love it!

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