fortunes from zoltar freaking mcavoy

no lucky lotto numbers. i only deal in truths.

for kiersten white, who is more wee than me: you are headed for a land of sunshine. so you are probably going to trader joes or something.

for mariah irvin, who owes me a naughty punishment: you will soon be honored by someone you respect. but the person will be dressed like a clown when it happens. sorry.

for beth, who lives not-too-far-away: long life is in store for you. also, a parrot.

for raven, who is addicted to fruit punch: your ability to find the silly in the serious will take you far. your car will also take you far. so use your car if you want to get there faster.

for storyqueen, who doesnt know what a goldendoodle is: now is the time to try something new. consider bocce or lawn darts.

for twaddleoranything, who does: the evening is full of surprises. im not sure which evening, but one of them will definitely make you go, "whoa! i did not see that coming."

for myrna foster, who is not responsible for hulk hogan: good news will come from far away. but it wont come if you check your email obsessively.

for frankie diane mallis, who likes vampire diaries like i like the snuggle bear: something you recently heard will be unexpectedly useful. like this fortune. somehow.

for jade, who had an awful day at work: prosperity will soon knock on your door. so will a jehovahs witness. the two events will be unrelated.

for lotusgirl, who got lost in my eyes and hopefully found her way out: rome was not built in a day, but my lego coliseum was. be patient. but not too patient.

for daisy whitney, who lives in the coolest city in america besides where steph lives of course: keep your plans secret for now. except from twitter.

for jessie oliveros, whose name makes me think of martinis: soon you will be sitting on top of the world. or, at the very least, an upright refrigerator box.

for laini taylor, who is not a robot, thank goodness: take the bull by the horns. or back slowly out of his pen. either one. but make the decision quick, before he gores you.

for sharon, whose link doesnt work: new and rewarding opportunities will soon appear. so will that boring sock you lost.

for grimmster, who has a face like a sunset: friends long absent are coming back to you. you might not want to answer their calls. i think they want money.

for lilie, who smells strangely like myself: your present plans are going to succeed. and your plans for a present will fall apart. so have a backup gift ready.

and for christopher martin, who didnt ask but is getting one anyway: your toast will be burnt at breakfast tomorrow. your soy latte will be cold. and you will find a slug in your raspberry jam.

goodbye. see you again. in the future.

zoltar mcavoy


  1. James, believe it or not, I have a bocce ball set, and I only kind of suck at it.

    As for lawn darts...too dangerous. I could accidentally stab one of the coyotes, skunks, raccoons or possums that frequent the park behind my house.

    As for your future, I see that you have a bit part as a bellhop in the film version of Anna and the French Kiss...

    I don't create 'em, I just foretell 'em.


  2. It's a good thing I don't have time to check my e-mail obsessively. Good new is, well, it's good. :)

    Thank you, James. I haven't giggled this much since the last time I read one of Shelley's picture books.

  3. Anonymous1:46 AM GMT-5

    Heehee! Thanks for the merriment, Zoltar. I am very glad to have an awareness of both you and goldendoodles.

  4. Anonymous2:30 AM GMT-5

    Dearest Hobbit,

    You're asleep right now, so I've taken the opportunity to do something nefarious! You will have to wait and find out.

    Best wishes, mate!!

    Christopher Anthony John Martin

  5. Two door knocks? Why don't people use the fricking bell already??


  7. Argh! Why does my link randomly stop working? Argh! I never left you, James. I swear it! I didn't run off with Mr. Darcy or anything... honest. I will forever cherish the new and rewarding opportunities you've given me, and the sock....

  8. Oh good lord that picture is HILARIOUS. A+

  9. Oh, Zoltar McAvoy...you're so wise. I wonder, does my fortune mean I should change my profile picture to a non-sunset theme? haha.

    And you ARE correct about friends coming back. It remains to be seen whether or not they want money. So kudos to you, sir.

  10. All I can say is - genius (and hilarious). Will the Zoltar be going on the road any time soon?

  11. *bows to Zoltar McAvoy*

    Thank you for your.. erm... insightful fortune. Good thing I'm not afraid of clowns.

    I'm still pondering your punishment, so don't let your guard down!

  12. With 4 kids, patience runs through my veins. I will endeavor to have it work for me, oh mighty Zoltar McAvoy.

  13. Hahhaahaha! Best fortune ever, thank you Zoltar!

  14. James, I was thinking, you may not know me but you should probably go ahead and tell my fortune, too, next time if not this time. We have something in common - I support a Scottish football team, and you are, well, Scottish. Do you see the connection? It's a totally good one. And also, I was thinking, if you tire of Stephanie and wish for another non celeb girlfriend, you can apply for me. I said "apply" instead of "take" because I am trying to have some self respect about it but in fact I have none so the taking would be easy enough. Knowm'saying?

  15. Dear Zoltar, sometimes I love you and Stephanie so much I think I'll explode. Or kidnap you both and force you to live with me and delight me constantly.

  16. (In this case, "delight" is not a euphemism.)

  17. You my darling girl just made my day! Now all I need is chocolate, coffee and I'll be set! Thanks for the giggles!

  18. kiersten says your blog is funny, so i am here to reap the benefits. :)

  19. thank you wise zoltar! success sounds good right about now, and thanks for reminding me i need to get my mom a bday present (or two, i guess). come back soon!

  20. This post gave me perma-grin. Thank you... I needed that this morning.

  21. aww so cute. I love it! Perma-grin is right!

  22. Ah, how did I miss this earlier? I love it. James is so talented. Martinis?

  23. That totally made me giggle. How does one purchase a Zoltar McAvoy machine? Because I'm pretty sure I need one... :)

  24. Anonymous2:47 PM GMT-5


    That is the SEXIEST Zoltar. EVER.
    Okay, hotness overload. Gotta go stand in a freezer now...

  25. If Zoltar Mcavoy would have told my fortune, it would have involved reading this and snarfing my drink out my nose. And he would have been RIGHT.