In Which the Plot Thickens (Pie Edition)

Remember when I found that lounge chair and beach towel underneath my tree? And my live-in celebrity boyfriend, Chris Martin, caught my aspiring celebrity boyfriend, Matthew MacFadyen, hiding in the daffodils?

Well. Matthew is back.


And . . . he's acquired a boogie board! And a mysterious red knapsack!

Because I Respect Others' Privacy (even if they don't respect my own), I didn't open the knapsack. I can only imagine what must be inside -- binoculars, GPS tracking devices, night vision goggles, cameras disguised like cigarette lighters, and, of course, Quaker Chewy Chocolate Chunk granola bars.

No stakeout is complete without granola bars.

Also, I had no idea Matthew was a Trekkie! That's serious dedication on his boogie board. Though, as I live several hours away from the ocean, I'm somewhat perplexed. Is the board for something innocent, like sledding down my roof? Or is it for something dangerous? Because I think he might be planning to use it as a battle shield.



Mysterious black fighting sticks!


Is this the face of a ninja?

I tried to warn my husband and Chris Martin, but they just rolled their eyes. Actually, Jarrod rolled his eyes, but Chris didn't even hear me. He just hunched further over my piano, trying to work out the kinks of this new song. He's trying to finish it before Thom Yorke arrives. Thom promised us a visit this April, and as the month is almost over, Chris has gotten paranoid.

CHRIS: Have you checked your email today? Your voice mail? The regular mail? Maybe we should call the airport, in case he arrived and got lost--

ME: He knows where we live.

CHRIS: Any texts?

ME: He'll come when he wants to come. You can't force Thom to do anything; you know that's a part of his charm.

CHRIS: [tinkering on piano again] What do you think about these chords? It doesn't sound too much like "Karma Police," does it?

It sounds exactly like "Karma Police."

CHRIS: [stops playing] Have you checked your email today?

JARROD: Yeah, after the last time you asked. [Points to piano keys] What about those instead, at that part after the bridge?

CHRIS: [plays] Ooo, that's lovely. What do you think about this--

ME: Did you two even hear what I said?! MR. DARCY IS A NINJA.

But they were already deep in musician mode, so I was forced to continue investigations alone. I went back outside to the abandoned weeping cherry tree. And there, underneath the knapsack, I made a new discovery.

A stack of cryptic messages.

A stack of cryptic messages about pie.

Pardon the quality of the following photographs. I had to take them all quickly and stealth-like:

Don't Banish the Pie!

ME: That's odd. I don't remember banishing the pie.

Pie! Love Pie!

Wait. Does Matthew love pie, or is he signing this message AS pie?

SAVE the Pie


Pie! Eat more Pie! Pie! I eat Pie! save the pie

ME: What?? Does he want to eat it or save it??? WHAT PIE?????

And then it hit me.

Pie = The Pie Maker.

Lee Pace is involved!

Innocent pie maker or ninja-in-training?

But if Lee Pace is the Pie, is he in danger? And if so, from whom? Matthew? Is Matthew trying to banish the Pie or save it? And whom are the message for? Each other? Jarrod and Chris?

Or me?


  1. Of COURSE Lee is involved! How did we not see that one?

    Those silly boys.

  2. Stephenie, I know we only talked for like a minuet. But as I read your blog I am amazed at what we have in common...See my sister Debbie's post (the red head) about our pie night we just had. http://debsfreckles.blogspot.com/2009/04/pie-night.html

    Also please tell me you have watched Chris on the british tv show Extras

  3. You never see those ninjas coming. That's the point. They're EVERYWHERE. Trust me.

    If they are, in fact, ninjas, I'm guessing the boogie board doubles as body armor.

  4. This story is intense. I'm going to need a follow up.

    I wish Chris Martin would visit me more often...

    And as for the "weapons", the white one is actually used as a muscle massager. We use them at track all the time.

  5. snort snort snort! So funny! Did you really find all that stuff? Too weird!

  6. *on the phone with Lee Pace*


    She found the hidden messages.

    What do we do?

    Isn't it obvious?


  7. If your book is half as funny as you blog, I don't think I'll be able to stop reading. Then I might start stalking you with Matthew.

  8. The plot truly thickens. I'm sure Lee has some part in all this.

  9. Stephanie, I met you at the Book Babe event (I was a volunteer) and Connie pointed me over to your blog. You are riotously hilarious! I hope the Pie Man makes it out ok. I can't wait to learn more! ;)

    PS. Congrats on being published! thats amazing!

  10. Hilarious! but what I want to know if hubby in on it and what is the clue on your email? hmmmm

  11. You MUST keep us informed about these findings! Intriguing...or perhaps (I'm pretty sure) your clever returned!

  12. Steph! Things are getting scary! Where are you going to PUT everyone?!?!?!? I think you may have to start charging rent.... Or make you pies, or something.

  13. Connie -- I looooove his bit on Extras! (In other words, YES! I've watched it many times. Tee hee.)

    Mariah -- Muscle massager?? Intriguing. Me likey the sound of where this is heading.

    Laini -- I did, indeedy. And I'm eagerly awaiting more.

    Beth -- Please pass this message on to Lee: Pie bribes are DEFINITELY a way to achieve Official Boyfriend status. (Strawberry rhubarb is my favorite, but cherry is also acceptable.)

    Jessie -- I'm sure he'd be happy to lend you his night vision goggles. And thank you ;)

    Mimilee -- What a happy surprise to find you here! Thanks so much & welcome to my blog!

    Lexi -- I LOVE the idea of charging pie for rent. Right now, the Boyfriends chip in with household chores. It does get crowded sometimes, but it's really not too bad. I have lots of bunk beds, PLUS the only permanent resident is Chris. The other dozen or so rotate. They visit whenever we both have free time.

  14. Maybe you should leave a slice of pie out there on the chair some day. Or you could prop up a really big box with a stick and leave the pie under it. Like a rabbit trap, but for ninjas!