Remember when I found that lounge chair and beach towel underneath my tree? And my live-in celebrity boyfriend, Chris Martin, caught my aspiring celebrity boyfriend, Matthew MacFadyen, hiding in the daffodils?
Well. Matthew is back.
And . . . he's acquired a boogie board! And a mysterious red knapsack!
Because I Respect Others' Privacy (even if they don't respect my own), I didn't open the knapsack. I can only imagine what must be inside -- binoculars, GPS tracking devices, night vision goggles, cameras disguised like cigarette lighters, and, of course, Quaker Chewy Chocolate Chunk granola bars.
No stakeout is complete without granola bars.
Also, I had no idea Matthew was a Trekkie! That's serious dedication on his boogie board. Though, as I live several hours away from the ocean, I'm somewhat perplexed. Is the board for something innocent, like sledding down my roof? Or is it for something dangerous? Because I think he might be planning to use it as a battle shield.
BECAUSE LOOK WHAT ELSE I FOUND:
Mysterious black fighting sticks!
WHAT ARE THEY FOR? WHAT DO THEY DO??
I tried to warn my husband and Chris Martin, but they just rolled their eyes. Actually, Jarrod rolled his eyes, but Chris didn't even hear me. He just hunched further over my piano, trying to work out the kinks of this new song. He's trying to finish it before Thom Yorke arrives. Thom promised us a visit this April, and as the month is almost over, Chris has gotten paranoid.
CHRIS: Have you checked your email today? Your voice mail? The regular mail? Maybe we should call the airport, in case he arrived and got lost--
ME: He knows where we live.
CHRIS: Any texts?
ME: He'll come when he wants to come. You can't force Thom to do anything; you know that's a part of his charm.
CHRIS: [tinkering on piano again] What do you think about these chords? It doesn't sound too much like "Karma Police," does it?
JARROD: It sounds exactly like "Karma Police."
CHRIS: [stops playing] Have you checked your email today?
JARROD: Yeah, after the last time you asked. [Points to piano keys] What about those instead, at that part after the bridge?
CHRIS: [plays] Ooo, that's lovely. What do you think about this--
ME: Did you two even hear what I said?! MR. DARCY IS A NINJA.
But they were already deep in musician mode, so I was forced to continue investigations alone. I went back outside to the abandoned weeping cherry tree. And there, underneath the knapsack, I made a new discovery.
A stack of cryptic messages.
A stack of cryptic messages about pie.
Pardon the quality of the following photographs. I had to take them all quickly and stealth-like:
ME: That's odd. I don't remember banishing the pie.
ME: Wait. Does Matthew love pie, or is he signing this message AS pie?
ME: What?? Does he want to eat it or save it??? WHAT PIE?????
And then it hit me.
Pie = The Pie Maker.
Lee Pace is involved!