Losing My Head

I don't know why these exist, but I am SO HAPPY they do. Marie Antoinette! Head Pops!

Goodness. Something very strange has happened to me.

I seem to be speechless.

I mean, obviously, I'm not totally speechless. It's kind of hard to shut me up. I just have SO MANY EXCITING things happening right now that my brain is whizzing and fizzing and farting, and I can't think straight.

But of course I can still think in lists. I am Very Good at thinking in lists.

(A) I HAVE AN AGENT!!!!!!!!!

Because I'm not sure if you'd heard yet. HA.

(B) My sister is giving birth, like, any second now.

So all day long I've been going, "Is that the phone?? WHERE'S THE PHONE???"

(C) Someone may have tried to break into my house last night.

I KNOW! This one took me by surprise too. But around 4:30 am, there was someone on my front porch. The noise woke me up -- slow, quiet footsteps to my front door, a five to ten second pause, and then slow, quiet footsteps away. And then the sound of a car door handle. (For some reason, I didn't hear the actual car, just the sound of a door being opened.)


All of this was very distinct and my heart was racing, but in my exhaustion, I convinced myself it wasn't a big deal. I thought perhaps it was one of my friends, because we all keep weird hours (I had, in fact, only gone to bed forty-five minutes earlier). And then in a moment of SHAMEFUL VAIN NARCISSISM, I thought, "Maybe someone left me a congratulations card!"

Um, no.

No card. And a few quick emails revealed there were no early morning visits from friends, either.

So the question remains: WHO THE HECK WAS ON MY PORCH AT 4:30 IN THE MORNING?????????

I'm kicking myself for not waking Jarrod. We called the cops today -- we live in a teeny town, and they have nothing better to do -- and obviously there was nothing they could do THEN, but they're keeping an eye on things now. Because like I said. They have nothing better to do here.

Which is why it's so disconcerting there was a STRANGER on my PORCH at FOUR THIRTY IN THE MORNING! Here! In Mayberry!

The cop we spoke with.

So I'm trying not to think about this as a stranger-danger situation. Because it wasn't, right? RIGHT?

In fact, I'm convinced this was the most likely situation:


You know, this just isn't working for me anymore.

I KNEW IT! You're leaving me! You been talking to Stephanie again, haven't you?!

Yes. And we're in love. And her husband is totally okay with it, and I'm moving in with them. Tonight.

GWYNETH: Does she know?

CHRIS: No. I think it'd be better if I surprised her. If I leave you right now -- which I am totally going to do -- I think I'll make it to North Carolina by about, oh, 4:30 in the morning.

GWYNETH: ( ... )

CHRIS: See ya, sucka! Tell Apple I love her.


A taxi pulls up to an adorable mountain bungalow. CHRIS MARTIN steps out and creeps to the front door.

CHRIS: (whispering) Bollocks! I forgot the ring! I'd better go back to London to get it.

Chris kisses hand, places fingers gently across STEPHANIE'S front door.

CHRIS: (whispering) I'll see you tomorrow, my love.

Chris sneaks away into the night. He does not leave a congratulations-on-your-new-agent card. Stephanie wakes up.

STEPHANIE: (groggily) What was that???


And I know all of this must be true, because this picture was taken today:

Chris, in London, happy because he's coming back to NC tonight


  1. LOL. You have very nearly killed me with this post.

  2. LOL! and hahahahaha! Seriously, bahahaha! ROTFL! Am I going to be able to breathe again?

    You CRACK me up!

    I was going to say sorry about the possible almost break-in, but clearly break-in was not the case.

  3. Very creepy, but your explanation makes perfect sense. Hopefully the cops watching your house can catch proof in the next few days.

  4. If you didn't hear the car start/running, maybe it was a hybrid? Upscale burgulars indeed...

  5. Oh, Stephanie, I don't want to scare you any more, but you've got bigger problems than who was on your doorstep at 4:30 AM. Namely, the police officer you talked to?

    HE'S DEAD.

    So either you've got some kickin' necromancy skills, or your entire town is haunted.

    Good luck with Chris, by the way. Just don't let him name any of your future children.

  6. Are you not a little worried about being stalked by Chris Martin? And worse, having Gwyneth come after you with an ax? Come on girl . . . you just got an agent, don't throw it all away on an imperfect and dangerous love affair!!!

  7. Poor Gwyneth! Not that I'm not happy for you and Jarrod and the new addition to your family, but I do mourn for little Apple and Moses, you homewreckers!

    But seriously: creepy!

    Our neighborhood is pretty safe, but there have been some "smash and grabs," laptops vanished off kitchen tables, things like that, and once someone broke our motion detector light. Ooh -- this girl I knew in Berkeley, she lived on a slightly elevated first floor, and one morning she found: an overturned crate beneath her window, and her porch bulb unscrewed just enough to not work, and she knew someone had been spying on her in the night. ICK!!!!!!!!

    Hope your sister's baby comes soon!

  8. Also, I think you might be wrong about Chris (not to burst your bubble) because Jim and I think he's actually in love with one of your other boyfriends, Thom Yorke. I mean, he talks about him all the time, in every single interview, and has even said he'd give his testicles to write songs like his. . . He's smitten, and would become a eunoch. . . which would also be sad for poor Gwyneth :-(

  9. Sorry to burst your bubble Stephanie, but if Chris Martin were to leave Gwyneth it would be so he could marry Thom Yorke. Seriously, as much as I digs me some Coldplay, every (EVERY!) interview I've read from him whether it's 8 pages or 4 sentences has him swooning about how he'd give his left nut to have written "Paranoid Android" or some such. Although there IS the possibility that it was James McAvoy and that when you went to look out your peephole on the front porch he was still standing there but since he's so wee that you missed it. Hmm. Although it couldn't have been him either because (being so wee and all) he would have just slid under the door or through the keyhole or something. Hmm. Oh! I know! Maybe it was Gwyneth coming to fight you because she THOUGHT Chris was there, but he was already at Thom's? Geez, there're so many possibilities! Let us know what happens tonight (and just in case it wasn't someone famous, maybe leave some up-turned tacks on the porch when you go to bed (but make sure to count them and pick 'em all up in the morning so the mailman doesn't sue you! :) Yes! Dastardly burglar-proof your porch! A-ha! Mwahahahaha!

  10. Heyyyy! Laini stole my Thom Yorke thunder. Grrr...


  11. Ah hem. LAINI and JIM. For your information, missy & mister, Chris likes me and Thom. I mean, not to get too far into my personal biz, but one of the big reasons why this whole moving-in situation will work is that he DOES love Thom. So he won't mind when Thom comes to stay with us this spring. Thom on the other hand...

    Well. You know how he is. He's learning to like Chris, but it's going to take time.

    (Oh, and HELLO SCARY BERKELEY STORY! That poor girl!)

    Kiersten -- Wait. What? He's DEAD? (Hold on. I'm going to ask my next-door neighbor a question.) OH MY GOD!! My NEIGHBOR IS DEAD TOO!!!!

    Does this mean I get my own television show? The Paranormal Librarian has a nice ring to it.

    Elise -- Will you please email Gwyneth and tell her it's not my fault? I'd do it myself, but she's not answering my calls.

  12. Oh, and this?

    "Although it couldn't have been him either because (being so wee and all) he would have just slid under the door or through the keyhole or something."


    "being so wee and all" Snort snort snort.

  13. Hey, James McAvoy in all his wee glory is more than welcome to come live with me. And my husband.

    Although I don't think my husband would be quite as cool with it as your husband. Maybe if I brought along a spectral sheriff...

    How about "Librarian of the Living Dead"?

  14. Kiersten -- Oh, that is a MUCH better title. I am notoriously crap with titles. (Which is why my chapters are named exciting things like "Chapter One" and "Chapter Two".) And you can only have Mr. McAvoy if you agree to loan him out on weekends and Scottish holidays.

  15. I'm much better with titles for other people.

    As far as the McAvoy lending, what will you give me in return? James would make such a lovely addition to my family...husband is 6'0" and I'm 4'11" so he'd fill the gap in the middle!

    Hmm...this is getting creepy. Maybe I should just let you have him.

  16. Okay, new James McAvoy deal. You record everything he ever says while you're with him and then send me the tapes so I can play his accent in an eternal loop.

  17. Kiersten -- OHMYSTARS, you are so on. Deal deal deal!!!

  18. Excellent. I'll let James know.

  19. Sorry, Stephanie! That was actually me, sneaking around your house last night, looking for your manuscript. I was hoping that you'd be so giddy with your happy-happiness that you wouldn't notice lil' ol' me like, stealing your computer. But then I saw an HBM get out of a cab and approach your house. He ran away when he saw me, though, and I decided not to risk anything, at least for now....

  20. Stephanie--
    Just clicked over from Kiersten's blog and wanted to say 1.) congratulations on your agent--SO exciting! and 2.) love your blog.

  21. I am totally cracking up! You are quite funny my dear! And those head pops?! hilarious!

  22. So I would for real watch The Paranormal Librarian. When I became a big tv writer, is it okay if I steal this for one of my shows?

  23. Anonymous9:35 AM GMT-5

    Christian Martin is the celebrity with a child named Apple?! I thought that was some ridiculous rumour that some celeb decided to call their kid Apple! Shame on you, Chris, shame on you...but I still love him! ♥_♥

    Someone trying to break in is alaways cool and fantastic! Unless he actually managed to break in and happened to be armed. Oh dear...just make sure you always keep a diseased weasel handy in case yoou need to attack somebody.

    PS: Congrats on your agent!

  24. Eeek - that is scary! I can't believe you didn't wake up Jarrod!