Goodness. Something very strange has happened to me.
I seem to be speechless.
I mean, obviously, I'm not totally speechless. It's kind of hard to shut me up. I just have SO MANY EXCITING things happening right now that my brain is whizzing and fizzing and farting, and I can't think straight.
But of course I can still think in lists. I am Very Good at thinking in lists.
(A) I HAVE AN AGENT!!!!!!!!!
Because I'm not sure if you'd heard yet. HA.
(B) My sister is giving birth, like, any second now.
So all day long I've been going, "Is that the phone?? WHERE'S THE PHONE???"
(C) Someone may have tried to break into my house last night.
I KNOW! This one took me by surprise too. But around 4:30 am, there was someone on my front porch. The noise woke me up -- slow, quiet footsteps to my front door, a five to ten second pause, and then slow, quiet footsteps away. And then the sound of a car door handle. (For some reason, I didn't hear the actual car, just the sound of a door being opened.)
All of this was very distinct and my heart was racing, but in my exhaustion, I convinced myself it wasn't a big deal. I thought perhaps it was one of my friends, because we all keep weird hours (I had, in fact, only gone to bed forty-five minutes earlier). And then in a moment of SHAMEFUL VAIN NARCISSISM, I thought, "Maybe someone left me a congratulations card!"
No card. And a few quick emails revealed there were no early morning visits from friends, either.
So the question remains: WHO THE HECK WAS ON MY PORCH AT 4:30 IN THE MORNING?????????
I'm kicking myself for not waking Jarrod. We called the cops today -- we live in a teeny town, and they have nothing better to do -- and obviously there was nothing they could do THEN, but they're keeping an eye on things now. Because like I said. They have nothing better to do here.
Which is why it's so disconcerting there was a STRANGER on my PORCH at FOUR THIRTY IN THE MORNING! Here! In Mayberry!
So I'm trying not to think about this as a stranger-danger situation. Because it wasn't, right? RIGHT?
In fact, I'm convinced this was the most likely situation:
LONDON -- YESTERDAY AFTERNOON
CHRIS MARTIN: You know, this just isn't working for me anymore.
GWYNETH PALTROW: I KNEW IT! You're leaving me! You been talking to Stephanie again, haven't you?!
CHRIS: Yes. And we're in love. And her husband is totally okay with it, and I'm moving in with them. Tonight.
GWYNETH: Does she know?
CHRIS: No. I think it'd be better if I surprised her. If I leave you right now -- which I am totally going to do -- I think I'll make it to North Carolina by about, oh, 4:30 in the morning.
GWYNETH: ( ... )
CHRIS: See ya, sucka! Tell Apple I love her.
NORTH CAROLINA -- 4:30 AM
A taxi pulls up to an adorable mountain bungalow. CHRIS MARTIN steps out and creeps to the front door.
CHRIS: (whispering) Bollocks! I forgot the ring! I'd better go back to London to get it.
Chris kisses hand, places fingers gently across STEPHANIE'S front door.
CHRIS: (whispering) I'll see you tomorrow, my love.
Chris sneaks away into the night. He does not leave a congratulations-on-your-new-agent card. Stephanie wakes up.
STEPHANIE: (groggily) What was that???
And I know all of this must be true, because this picture was taken today:
Chris, in London, happy because he's coming back to NC tonight