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1.29.2009

A Letter to the Editor

Local Window Display (photo: Vintage Fairytale)

For the most part, I love where I live.

My home is a 1930s Craftsman bungalow in a small town located deep within the mountains of North Carolina. We have four gorgeous seasons, organic farmers markets, insanely huge numbers of Trick-or-Treaters, and the Blue Ridge Parkway. Even better, we're next-door neighbors to Asheville, "The Paris of the South," one of America's most thriving cities for the arts.

Asheville bursts with art deco architecture, street musicians, art galleries, funky coffee shops, community theaters, street festivals, ballet troupes, cupcake bakeries, fire-eaters, vintage clothing boutiques, independent cinema, and mouth-watering restaurants that take pride in using fresh, local ingredients.

Like I said, I love where I live.

For the most part.

Because once a week, my small town (NOT the city of Asheville) publishes a newspaper. And, once a week, my small town is subjected to editorials such as the following.

(I am not making this up. The following literary abuses -- ALL OF THEM -- are the work of the newspaper's editor alone. I'm only omitting names to provide him with a titchy cushion of anonymity. Which, after last week's nasty editorial about the inauguration, I am not entirely sure he deserves.)


To get the full effect, please read this carefully. Even better, read it aloud! And remember: this was written by the editor.




COMMENTARY
: Does everything change?

As a student at [X] High School the preferred music of choice was Rock-n-Roll and I fell right into a lot of what people were listening to back in the late 70s and early 80s.


However, my best friend in high school was a Country music fan. Not much of what was currently playing but more of the stuff from the 50s and 60s. I listen when I was ride in his vehicle and was not much swayed by what I heard. Just as he was not swayed when he rode in my vehicle.


Now more than 20 years later, what was deemed Rock back then is now Country and I enjoy a lot of what country music produces this days and none hardly any of what the Rock genre produces.


So what's changed? In my opinion, the entire music scene.


What was Country is no more, what was Rock is now Country and the stuff is now called Rock, well...and guess I'll have to chalk up to the generation gap.


One constant I have notice in Country music is that their still sing about life, love, living in the country, and the highs and lows that come with it. I guess that's what draws me to a lot of the tunes. It's music that I can relate to and enjoy listening.


I guess with time we all change with time, all except my high friend. As far as I know, he's still listening to the stuff he listen in high school. I guess that's make another constant.




What?

Seriously. WHAT? My mind boggles. BOGGLES!!! Where does one even begin? How about the fact that when read aloud it's practically a Mad Lib?

"I listen when I was ride in his vehicle"
"none hardly any"
"One constant I have notice in Country music is that their still sing"

And the last paragraph! Did you catch that two of the three sentences start with the phrase I guess?

"I guess that's make another constant."
"I guess with time we all change with time" (?!?!?!)

And I love the bit with his "high friend." Who would that be? Cheech or Chong? Clearly this is begging for a letter to the editor. Jarrod thinks it should be written in a similar style. Here is his suggestion:


I read your article about the Rock-n-Roll how its the Country now and how its changed with my Friend. I think it was so good and to point this out impact! I lot of the friends I was high with also now relate to it. When I was outside my grandparents house, then in the car. I will appreciate the insightful insight you provide to me about today and how it has changed yesterday.


I lot of the friends I was high with also now relate to it.


Tee hee! My husband is so clever.

What would you say to this editor?

12 comments:

  1. I also think your husband is a genius, and wonder whether he's been using up the editor's share of total brain power alloted to your town?

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  2. I love your husband now, too!

    Oh, goodness.

    Goodness goodness goodness.

    Honestly, I see that editor as a huge PLUS in favor of your small town. After all, would a well-written, coherent letter that actually had a point have made you this happy?

    And then you got to spread the joy to all of us. See? What a service he provided! I hope his high friend knows that with time he has made such an impact on all of us with time.

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  3. Holy crap...I think I might have gotten some of the coffee that was in my mouth on my keyboard!

    My high friends listened to music too, and frankly, they didn't care if it was Country or Rock n Roll. I think that guy's still high!

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  4. I work for a newspaper and I AM CRINGING! That is some baaaaaad writing but so funny!

    Unfortunately to call yourself a journalist or editor you don't have to pass any kind of test like doctors and lawyers do. But isn't, you know, *coherent speech* at least as important as knowing how to sue somebody? I'm just saying.

    And BTW, WHO CARES what he thinks of today's music scene? How is that relevant to anybody's life?

    I hope your husband sends that letter--it's hysterical :)

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  5. I really hope some day you can visit my little town and I can visit yours (but I may not read your paper while there!). :)

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  6. Heeee! High friends. I just can't stop laughing!

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  7. Oh my gosh! Where to begin? That is so pitiful! Do you think he'd even notice that your husband's letter was in jest.

    And people wonder at small town newspapers dying out.

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  8. Wow--my students could do better than that.

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  9. Can't.Stop.Laughing. Seriously, my stomach is hurting now. Maybe my head should be too?

    I am so confused... What is Rock-n-Roll? What is Country? What, pray tell, is the meaning of life? Oh wait, we don't want him to go there. Who knows what he would write about that.

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  10. Perk, Holy Moly I am giggling uncontrollably!!!

    Surely you jest! (just kiddin')

    That paper of yours is some serious WHACKADOODLE stuff!

    hilarious! Please send in your darling hubby's letter WITH photo.

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  11. Heeee. I recently lived in a large metropolitan area and routinely found really glaring and embarrassing grammar mistakes in their text (although not this bad). Until I gave up the paper as a useless vehicle for unedited press releases, I just as routinely sent letters detailing the errors and why they were incorrect, because it entertained me. I'm pretty sure they thought I was some 85-year-old crackpot.

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  12. I COULD NOT stop laughing when I read Jarrod's response. Funniest thing I've read in ages.

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