Stephanie Perkins Blog About Stephanie Books On Writing News Extras



1.23.2009

League of Authors Misapplying Energy


Are you an author? Would you rather dust under the fridge, scrub the shower, or trim your neighbor's toenails before writing? Are you reading this blog because you're avoiding your novel?

WELL. Do I have a deal for YOU!

Laini Taylor and I are proud to invite you to join our club, the League of Authors Misapplying Energy (L.A.M.E.). Just swipe the above seal for your blog, spiral notebook, or bicycle seat, and you're in!

It's that easy!!!!!!!!!!

We won't even charge you four easy payments of $19.99 (does not include shipping and handling). L.A.M.E. is FREE!


???FREE???


Perhaps you've already heard her tell the story. But if you haven't, allow me to fill you in. A few weeks ago, Laini sent me this email:



I haven't gotten any writing done today and now I am just sitting on the couch reading Ten Cents a Dance. I'm so lame.

Signed,
Lame-O




Now, I'm sure the proper response should have been something supportive like:

"YOU ARE SO AWESOME!!! YOU ARE THE BEST WRITER EVER!!! THAT TIME SPENT ON THE COUCH IS VALUABLE AND WILL MAKE YOU EVEN BETTER!!! NO PROBLEMO, DON'T SWEAT IT, HOMEGIRL!!!"

But this is what I wrote instead:



Dear Lame-O,

Congratulations! After reviewing your application, we've decided that you're just the kind of person the League of Authors Misapplying Energy (L.A.M.E.) is looking for! Enclosed you'll find: the L.A.M.E. starter guide, an official L.A.M.E. membership card, and a L.A.M.E. badge to pin to your lapel (or pajamas, if you are M.E. and haven't gotten dressed today).

We are thrilled to welcome you to our ranks, and if you have any questions -- any at all! -- please do not hesitate to contact me. Though I might be M.E., such as watching a pop culture countdown or preparing a bubble bath, so it may take awhile to hear back from me.

Congratulations again, Lame-O, and welcome to the club!

Sincerely,

Stephanie Perkins
L.A.M.E. President




Luckily, not only is Laini excellent at M.E., she is also fabulously fun. Because later that day, SHE MADE A SEAL. So we're official and everything!

And we would totally hold monthly meetings and invite you to them, but we've got better things to do. Like vacuuming our dogs and feeding our plastic cacti.

Not writing. Heavens no.


-----------


So just in case you hadn't noticed, this post is double-y lame. Because not only did I mean to post this weeks ago (see how talented at M.E. I am?), but here I am talking about avoiding writing . . . while actually avoiding my writing.

Ha! I am not the president of L.A.M.E. for nothing.

Here's how I've been misapplying energy this week:


(A) I cleaned the mail and random papers off the dining room table.


These were mainly novel-related papers, cryptic messages written at odd hours of the night that said things like, "BLUE FEDORA @ END OF THAT ONE SCENE" and "MAYBE HE SHOULD LIKE RHINOS."


(B) I re-dirtied the dining room table.

Mainly with new messages like, "GET TO WORK!" and "NO MORE SLACKING!"


(C) I saw
Slumdog Millionaire again.


In my defense, Chris Martin hadn't seen it yet. And since Jarrod and I are rooting for it to win Best Picture at our annual Cheese and Chocolate Fondue Oscar Party (I'm actually telling the truth there), we thought he needed to see it.

So, yes! If you were wondering, things are going GREAT with Chris. No major hangups so far. The only awkward moment was last night at Slumdog, when Chris accidentally knocked over Jarrod's bucket of popcorn.

That Chris! He's all elbows.


Helpful elbow demonstration.


Jarrod was a little annoyed, but Chris promised to bake him a batch of peanut butter brownies this weekend. And Jarrod LOVES peanut butter.

All was forgiven.

I guess the only other issue we've had so far has been with Thom Yorke, one of my other boyfriends. As Laini and Jim helpfully (and simultaneously) pointed out the other day in my comments, Chris is sorta in love with Thom.

But Thom isn't exactly in love with Chris.




In fact, I got this semi-snippy email not long after the 4:30 am attempted break in:


To: stephssecretemail@popculturewhore.com

From: thisisnotthom@radiohead.com

Subject: no no no


hey
i had a surprise visit from chris yesterday.
he says hes moving to nc.
confirm or deny
this really messes up our plans re: this april

ok now im going to eat eggs.

thom


But I'm not too worried. He'll come around once he tastes the brownies.

18 comments:

  1. Oh, I so don't belong in that club. I mean, please ignore the fact that I'm always first to comment on your posts, and that I return emails IMMEDIATELY upon receiving them...or that I read Television Without Pity about shows I DON'T EVEN WATCH.

    Yeah, not my club. Unless you need a secretary?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Wait, what? No, I wasn't just rereading this post and marveling at your awesomeness. Because that would mean I was misapplying energy that could have gone to my book, or at the very least all of these dirty dishes...

    Dangit. Okay, I'll download the seal right now.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Don't worry. Because I totally wasn't just EMAILING YOU BACK or anything.

    I was revising. I swear!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Good. I'm going to go finish my chapter. Not email you back.

    ReplyDelete
  5. tee hee hee. Silly girls :-)

    I like that Thom Yorke T-shirt. Very friendly. It reminds me of one I saw in a photo of Helena Bonham Carter from way back in the 80s around Room With a View Time. It was gigantically oversized and said "Leave me alone" -- and she was scowling.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'm so misapplying my energy here. I'm a pro at that. Thanks for yet another diversion.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I think I need to join this club. I've been misapplying energy all week. Or month. Or year. Yeah. I belong there.

    Great post! You're hilarious. :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. Thom never returns my emails. Now I'm going to have to go comfort eat.

    Pick up some more peanut butter on your way home.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Oh NO! Have you heard the news?! Thom and Chris got into a fight this morning at a cafe! It was no doubt over you (and Jarrod too I suppose), but it was HORRible! Evidently they slapped each other silly until they both jammed a couple of fingers and bent a few of their nails back (OK that last part really hurts!) and then Thom yelled "I HATE YOU!" and Chris hollered "I LOVE YOU!" and they both ran out in separate directions crying. OH GOD! THE HUMANITYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

    ;)

    ReplyDelete
  10. What a clever little acronym!
    I spelled "acronym" incorretly, haven't I?
    Seriously, very very clever, and lately I'm proud to consider myself a member of this club...alright, not so proud. I'll fix myself, just a little writing each day.
    :-p

    ReplyDelete
  11. nein, nein! I must resist the temptation to steal that shirt! And don't let the snippy email FOR A MOMENT worry you. Brownies ALWAYS solve EVERYTHING.

    ReplyDelete
  12. (P.S. - Just so you know (and I'm pretty sure you do), I totally think both of those guys and their bands are fanTAStic! Just having a little fun :)

    j

    ReplyDelete
  13. *grin*

    This is all sorts of awesome. :)

    ReplyDelete
  14. you are so darn funny! I can't wait to read your book!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Chris -- If you're making comfort food tonight, would you mind making me some mac & cheese? Thanks, love.

    Jim -- So THAT'S what happened to his thumbnail! Chris told me he hit it with a hammer, and I was like, "Wait. What were you fixing???" and then his ears got all red and embarrassed.

    Thanks everyone, for the nice comments! :)

    ReplyDelete
  16. Ha ha ha ha ha.
    If only I could turn my procrastination into such solid gold humour...

    I'm making a badge and pinning it to my "domestic goddess" apron which I wear whenever I decide to bake a cake or make some jam instead of writing!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Haha - Kiersten, TWOP is totally addicting!

    Can I join even if I'm technically not an author? Because I misapply energy in a lot of different ways when I should be, you know, studying/working.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Ooh, I heart TWOP. And that email from Thom absolutely slayed me because seriously, that is exactly how I imagine his emails would read. If only I was so lucky!

    ReplyDelete

 


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