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9.30.2008

Open Letters Between My Novel & Me

(This picture is so embarrassingly MySpace. Minus gratuitous cleavage.)

Dear Novel,

This is the first time I've penned a letter like this. Normally, if I'm not pleased with a service I've received, I pretty much just sit on my frustrations and stew. I'm not one for writing complaint letters.

But you've crossed the line.

Your deadline is tomorrow, but are you even close to being finished? You keep telling me you are, but then I look at your word count and see it's swelling, and I look at your page number and see how many more there are behind you . . . and frankly, Novel, I think you're a liar.

You aren't done. You will NEVER be done. So cut the horse poo and give me a straight answer.

Do you ever plan on being finished? I'd like my life back.

Cordially,
Stephanie



Dear Stephanie,

I'm sorry, but I couldn't hear you over the sound of all of those Pik-Nik sticks you've been consuming behind your desk.

You should really lay off those. You're gaining weight. And it's making your T-zone shiny.

HEY! Here's an idea -- instead of complaining about how long it's taking me to finish, why don't you go make your own Pik-Nik sticks before the grocery store runs out? You can fry the potatoes with your face grease, fatty.

Love,
Novel




Dear Novel,

How COULD you?? After all of these hours, weeks, months spent together. When our anniversary is just around the corner!

I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THAT'S IT!!!!!!!

WE'RE THROUGH!!! IT'S OVER!!!!!!!!!

Spitefully,
Stephanie

P.S. You're the fat one with your STUPID BLOATED WORD COUNT.



Dear Stephanie,

I know you'd like to believe it's over.

But I also know I'm all you think about.

I'm the first thing you think of in the morning. When you're at work. I'm what you tinker with on your lunch break, what you daydream about in the afternoon, and what keeps you from eating dinner with your husband. I am your evening, midnight, and daybreak.

And those three hours of sleep you're getting?

I know you're dreaming of me.


Love,
Novel



Dear Novel,

Why why why???

Why are you doing this to me? What did I ever do to you??

All I want is a little more time. To read books and watch trashy television. To see my friends and work on my blog -- I'd LIKE to post several times a week but, Novel, YOU ARE KEEPING ME FROM DOING IT!

I'd like a decent night's rest and to redye my hair and to bake cookies from that amazing Martha Stewart book. I'd like to take a walk around the block. And resume piano lessons and see the new Ricky Gervais film. And then go back to sleep!

I really, really miss sleep.

Are you worth it? Can you prove to me you're worth it?

Confusedly,
Stephanie



Dear Stephanie,

If I weren't worth it, you would not be typing these idiotic letters back and forth. You'd be throwing that Danny Boyle movie marathon you've been meaning to hold for the last six months.

Love,
Novel



Dear Novel,

I am TOTALLY throwing that marathon anyway. You can't stop me.

Angrily,
Stephanie



Dear Stephanie,

Now you're being childish.

Take your nap. I'll see you upstairs in an hour.

Love,
Novel



Dear Novel,

Okay. I love you. I'm sorry.

Shamefully,
Stephanie



Dear Stephanie,

It's okay.

Love,
Novel

P.S. I will be finished soon. I promise.



Dear Novel,

Pinky swear?

Love,
Stephanie



Dear Stephanie,

Double pinky swear.

Love,
Novel

P.S. Do you think you might still have time to bake the cookies? I could really go for some Snickerdoodles.



Dear Novel,

Bite me.

-- S.

10 comments:

  1. I am simultaneously laughing and hungry. Now I need to go to the grocery store and see if they carry Pik Niks. Mmm... potatoey goodness.

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  2. Your novel is being a total smart ass. I think it's time for you to lay the smackdown. ;-)

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  3. You are too funny and adorable! It's quite obvious to me that I will love your Novel once you've had your way with it and told it who's boss!

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  4. That was awesome steph. I love reading your blog and can't wait to read your novel!

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  5. Your awesome, kay? You just are. I feel "awesome" is a good word here. ^_^
    This was too fun, and your so damn creative! Where do you get it from? Psh, if my novel wrote a letter to me it would begin: "Dear retard who keeps ignoring chapter twelve". Chapter twelve sucks! It can burn in the fireplace for all I care!
    Funny stuff, can't wait to read more wickedness about your novel. What's it called?

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  6. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  7. That's one cheeky novel you've got there--way to show it who's boss!

    Mmm...Martha Stewart cookies. And you really must go see Ghost Town. You owe yourself that much. :)

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  8. Thanks Jehsyka! I had a similar problem with my Chapter Eleven! What's up with those stubborn chapters??

    I'm waiting a bit longer to release the name of my novel & what it's about, but it's a contemporary YA in the vein of Maureen Johnson meets Meg Cabot.

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  9. You are crackin me up!

    Love, your dear friend that hardly knows how to use a computer. (I forgot my blog password)

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  10. Saaa-raaa! Yay! Come back soon, girl!

    Can't wait for our autumn action this weekend...

    (Do you have a FLAG yet?)

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