Woman: Someone has made a mess in the bathroom.
Me, thinking: I hope it's not poop again.
Woman: There is soap EVERYWHERE on the mirror. And a NAUGHTY WORD on the countertop.
Me: Thaaat's wonderful.
Woman: WHY IS THAT WONDERFUL?????
Helpful Coworker: That was sarcasm.
Within the next five minutes, I received three more complaints. Anxious to clean it up before storytime let out, I grabbed a roll of paper towels and headed into the Ladies to scope out the damage.
And, indeed, someone had been having a little too much fun with the liquid Dial. It was dripped and smudged and splattered down the mirror. Large puddles were globbed across countertop.
And next to the door, written in golden soap, was the naughty word:
I love the exclamation point. That really makes it.
Okay, I thought, I've cleaned up worse. Much worse. In my various places of employment, I have wiped crusty puke from the cracks of a tiled wall and scooped liquid poo from an overflowing toilet with an empty butter tub.
I can handle a little soap. At least this was a sanitary job.
But do you know what happens when you mix soap with water? Of course you do. I am still not sure why I was so surprised.
Because BUBBLES. That's what happens.
Just ask Neil.
Before I realized my mistake (wipe with dry paper towels first, THEN wet), the sink was overflowing with suds and the counter was a white streaky mess, and my hands and arms and shirt were all covered in BUBBLES. It was nowhere close to being clean.
Well, perhaps "clean" is the wrong word. It was plenty anti-bacterialized by this point. You could have eaten sushi off this counter. Soapy sushi, but sushi nonetheless.
It took fifteen minutes to get the bubbles under control. For the first ten, I cursed the girls who had done this. I had my suspects. Yesterday, right before closing, three thirteen year-olds giggled ferociously in the hallway outside the bathroom. I thought, "How cute. They're having so. Much. Fun! I remember being silly with my friends too."
Now I wished I had gotten my head out of my ASS! and inspected the source of their amusement.
But as I scrubbed, my irritation subsided and was replaced with disappointment. Not because of what they had done. I mean soap -- pretty harmless. Who cares? My disappointment instead was this:
Really? Ass? That was the best they could come up with?
If only they had asked my opinion, I would have been happy to find them something suitably more offensive. After all, they were in a library. Research is our business.
They could have at least picked up a thesaurus.
In other work news, only two weeks after our "Name Our Fish!" contest ended, we found Bob motionless in the tank last Friday. We are all very sad. His funeral was held in the garden next door to the pizza place.
He is survived by Beowulf and Aunt Alice, and Marcus Phoenix Doppelganger (the plant).
And, because I'm in that sort of mood, here is a list of the top three grossest items I've found used as bookmarks:
3. Used Kleenex
2. Chewed Toothpicks
1. Bloody Band-Aids
And the Number One Most Disgusting Thing ever found in the book drop?
That would be the sex toy.